turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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