I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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