ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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