It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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