my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
