She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
