Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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