I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
