brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
