If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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