The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
