Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
