she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
