Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
