Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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