i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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