just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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