guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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