dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
