Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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