Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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