Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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