After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
