eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
