there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
