Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
