I could make wine with my vomit
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
