I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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