She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
