I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
