Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
