She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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