he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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