do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
