the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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