I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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