My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
