It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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