I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
