He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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