you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
