she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
