Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Two words: blizzard sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
