I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
