I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
