my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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