You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
