grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
