We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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