wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
40s are totally the cure
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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